She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
