everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
