I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
