I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
