I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
