I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
time to smoke my breakfast
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Is it penis luge time yet?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
