I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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