Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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