I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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