i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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