it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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