i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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