I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I cannot find my penis.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
