i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
