She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
soo... how was my night?
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