I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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