Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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