that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
