If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
