he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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