So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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