So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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