ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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