I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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