i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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