i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
