upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
