Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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