It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
