I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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