dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
