mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
