Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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