The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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