: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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