rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
