I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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