i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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