everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
