Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
