I am in a vortex of obligation.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
