Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
only you would photoshop your dick
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
