I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
