I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
