I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
