he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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