My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
