Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
