Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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