So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
